As a parent, your heart probably fell to your stomach when you got wind of the gymnastics abuse scandal. What was the abuse of the gymnasts? How was this happening for so long and with so many girls? Why didn’t anyone stop that monster?
My daughters and I recently watched a movie portraying Simone Biles’ life story. We always enjoy watching true stories about dedicated athletes. We were inspired by Simone’s story, and for the sake of the little eyes watching with me, I was glad they didn’t go deep into the negative aspects of her experience. But it brought up some questions in my mind. Namely, in light of the many abuse scandals plaguing young athletes in elite sports, should a parent send their child to a sports development camp?
According to the National Alliance for Youth Sports (NAYS), as many as 1 out of every 8 competitive athletes experience some sort of sexual abuse within their sport. Elite athletes are at higher risk, and more often than not the perpetrator is a coach or instructor. The majority of sexual abuse cases in sports occurs when the predator has the child victim in one-on-one situations.
Sexual Abuse of Gymnasts
If you watched the Senate hearings involving USA Gymnastics and Dr. Larry Nassar, no doubt you were as terrified as I was about the abuse those girls suffered. In retrospect, should Simone Biles’ parents have sent her away to train at gymnastics development camps? Could they have prevented her from the abuse she suffered at the hands of the USA Gymnastics team doctor? Could any parent out of the hundreds of girls who were abused have prevented this from happening?
These are tough questions facing parents of youth athletes who have serious intentions toward a career in elite level athletics.
How to Protect a Young Athlete from Sexual Predators
Certainly, in the early years of training, I would not allow my child to be in any sort of one-on-one situation with a coach, trainer, instructor, or doctor, let alone send her away to a sports development camp. As much as I never saw myself becoming a “helicopter parent,” I’d much rather wear that label than compromise my child’s safety. And anyone who questions me on this is automatically suspect in my book.
Both of my daughters play tennis, and they have a private coach. Although I am always at their lessons, I watch on the sidelines and do not interfere with their training. I am not in any way vocal; I allow the coach to do her job and develop a healthy teacher-student relationship. Their coach is very respectful of their physical boundaries. She, too, is a mother, and I like her motherly style of coaching my daughters.
There have been times, however, when we’ve worked with male instructors. One in particular was quite a bit older, and had sort of an “old school” demeanor and would correct their technique with physical touch. You know the classic date scenario where the guy corrects the girl with an embrace? A little like that, but without the romance. I don’t believe he meant any harm, but we corrected him right away. There’s no need for all that!
Sexual Predators Grooming Young Athletes
Rarely does sexual abuse happen in a vacuum or one-off situation. Especially when it comes to sports, there is typically a grooming process that occurs. This is a process wherein the abuser tries to break down the victim’s personal boundaries, even make the victim feel safe around him or her. They may try to create friction between the young athlete and his or her parent in order to usurp the parental role in the child’s life.
We have a rule when it comes to our daughters’ training. No matter the sport, we establish clear physical boundaries ahead of time so that everyone knows what is acceptable and what is not. This means we talk to coaches and instructors at the start and let them know: no physical touching allowed unless it is for our daughters’ safety. Not only does this put the teachers on point, but more importantly, it teaches our daughters what is and isn’t OK. They need to know what is appropriate and inappropriate touching.
And they need to know that no one is too important or influential to override personal boundaries.
How Common is Sexual Abuse in Sports?
A survey conducted by nonprofit “Lauren’s Kids” revealed that as many as 1 in 4 college athletes reported that they were sexually assaulted or harassed by someone in a position of power on campus (most often the abusers turned out to be coaches), while for other students the numbers were 1 in 10.
These statistics are for college sports, but it can’t be denied that across society in general, statistics of child molestation are getting worse, not better. Sexual predators seek out opportunities to be near children, and moreover to be in positions of power over them. From Boy Scouts to girls’ gymnastics, stories of sexual abuse are becoming more and more frequent. The problem of sexual abuse in sports could be seen as a reflection of a larger problem of sexual abuse in our society.
Learn the Signs of Sexual Abuse
When you start educating yourself about sex abuse, it can be easy to develop a fearful outlook. But this is not about breeding fear; it’s about arming you with information and awareness.
The first and most important thing is to be in tune with your child. If your child is going through puberty, they may be displaying behavioral changes that are difficult to assess. But you should know your child and trust your instincts. If you suspect anything is wrong, it’s always better to ask questions and be persistent, even if it makes you, your child, or another adult uncomfortable. Your child’s safety is worth it!
There are many signs that may indicate your child is being sexually abused. There are numerous listed below, but these are not exhaustive. You simply must become more aware of and take heed to your own instincts.
Physical signs a child may be sexually abused:
- Infections or rashes on or around their genital areas
- Unexplained blood in their underwear, clothing or sheets
- Any unexplained signs of trauma, i.e. bruising or soreness, to their genital area or other areas of their body
Behavioral signs a child may be sexually abused:
- Unexplained knowledge of sexual concepts
- Talking about sexual topics or using sexual words that are inappropriate for their age
- Drawing pictures of sexual acts, body parts, or other images that may be seen as sexual in nature
- Attempting to imitate sexual acts with other children
- Withdrawing and keeping secrets
- Avoiding taking off clothing for regular changing/bathing
- Apprehensiveness about seeing certain people, or displaying separation anxiety from parents/caregivers
- Behaving or dressing in a sexually precocious manner (especially when early or suddenly)
- Excessively complying with or excessively defying parents or other authority figures
- Bed wetting, thumb sucking, or other regressive behaviors
- Self destructive or harmful behaviors
- Change in eating habits
Emotional signs a child may be sexually abused:
- Becoming anxious about things that weren’t previously problematic, or anxiety in general
- Moodiness
- Anger and aggression
- Dramatic personality changes
- Decreased self-image and confidence
- Inexplicable onset of health issues, such as digestive problems, stomach aches and headaches
- Decreased interest in friends, hobbies and activities
- Recurring night terrors/nightmares
Learn the Signals of a Sexual Abuser
According to the U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics (Sexual Assault of Young Children as Reported to Law Enforcement, 2000), 93 percent of child sexual assault victims know their abuser. This makes it critical to discern the signs of a potential perpetrator before they strike. Often, an abuser will take time to gain a child’s trust before making any wrong moves. This grooming process that we noted above may look like the person is taking care of the child or, as with athletics, taking the child “under his or her wing” in a sort of mentoring role. In reality, the predator is attempting to break down their victim’s natural defenses.
In our household, there is no need for any outside figures playing such a role in our daughters’ lives. We are an intact family and we are involved in every aspect of our children’s upbringing and athletic development. Coaches and trainers may be employed, but they work under our authority, not the other way around. Problems can easily arise when children from a single parent or otherwise separated household become vulnerable to an outside adult’s so-called “help.” But this can happen in any family wherein the parents put too much trust in a coach, trainer or other person who is in an elevated position within the sporting world.
Narcissistic Abusers Love Attention
Not all abusers are narcissistic, and not all narcissists are sexual abusers. But when coaches, trainers and doctors frequently work with star and star-potential athletes, it can feed their egos to a point that they begin to behave abusively. They may exude an attitude that you should feel lucky to be in their presence, or that you should never question their authority. If you encounter a trainer or other athletic personnel with a grandiose ego, proceed with extreme caution.
Do not get star struck! No matter how athletically gifted or successful another athlete, trainer or coach may be, no matter how many superstars they may have produced, you must resist the temptation of thinking your child’s success lies in any one else’s hands. Don’t feed into their narcissism, and never give away your parental authority. Never compromise your child’s physical comfort zone out of pressure to succeed in the sporting industry. Empower your children to set their own personal boundaries and support them when they voice any level of discomfort around anyone, even you!
Which brings up an important side note: We as parents may have adopted gestures of affection from our families that seem normal to us, like a pat on the butt or making obvious gestures and jokes about a daughter’s newly developing hips and breasts. But if your child expresses awkwardness or discomfort with these gestures, let them know you respect their boundaries. At home is where a child learns to speak up for him- or herself. If you don’t give them a voice inside their own home, it’s likely they won’t be confident enough to express it outside of their home.
But again, you should always be on guard about the people surrounding them in their sport of choice.
Signs Your Child’s Coach May be a Sexual Predator
Be aware and wary of any adult who is around your child exhibiting behaviors such as:
- Talking down to you as the parent or diminishing your ability to guide your own child through the athletic world
- Not respecting you or your child’s boundaries; not taking “no” for an answer on any front
- Touches the child in any way that is unnecessary or unwanted
- Puts him- or herself on the child’s level as a friend, rather than an adult or authority
- Seems to have no outside relationships, or relationships are not age-appropriate
- Talks to your child about personal matters or shares their own relationship problems with your child
- Finds reasons to consistently be alone with your child
- Makes inappropriate comments about your child’s body or physical development
- Gives your child gifts with no reason
- Attempts to isolate your child from you or others
- Spends excessive time around your child or other children
What to do if You Suspect Sexual Abuse
If you suspect your child or any other child is being sexually abused, your first step might be to call the National Sexual Assault Hotline. The number to call is 800.656.HOPE (4673), and your call will be routed to a local RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) affiliate organization based on the first six digits of your phone number (if you call from a cell phone, you will have the option to enter the ZIP code of your location). They do not store your phone number, and your call is confidential. Depending on the state in which you live, they may be required to report to authorities if there is a child or vulnerable adult who is in danger. If you prefer online chat, you can access the RAINN online hotline here.
Calling or accessing the online hotline can provide you with confidential support from trained personnel. Not only will they help you process through your situation, but they can provide you with local resources in your area. They can also help you understand the legal and medical ramifications.
Additional Sex Abuse Hotlines
- Crisis Text Message Hotline: Text HOME to 741741 to reach a volunteer Crisis Counselor
- CrossRoads’ 24-hour crisis hotline: Call (336) 228-0360 if you are a survivor of sexual abuse
- StrongHearts Native Helpline: Call (844) 762–8483 if you are a Native American experiencing domestic & dating violence
Is it Safe to Send Your Child to an Athletic Development Camp?
So, to get back to the original question of this post: are sports camps safe? In our Complete Guide to Athletic Success: Athlete’s Survival Guide for the New Economy, we discuss the pros and cons of athletic development camps. We outline the best camps for various sports, and we provide alternatives to in-person camps. But the question remains, are they safe, and are they free from sexual predators?
The difficult answer is that nobody can guarantee these camps are safe for our children. Nobody can guarantee they are free from predators, or that children will be fully protected from sexual predators at all times. You as the parent must do your research, empower your children with personal boundaries, make your presence known among the coaches and trainers, and ideally travel alongside them and stay nearby if you choose to send them to a camp. Make sure your child can reach you quickly if a situation arises. Make sure your child knows they can speak up and that you will come get them any time of day or night if they are uncomfortable.
It cannot be overstated that no one is too important or influential to override personal boundaries. No one’s status, accolades or influence gives them a license to abuse a child. It’s up to us as parents to protect our children. My best answer is this: first equip yourself with knowledge and awareness. Then empower your child with their own voice. Then make a prayerful decision as to whether a sports camp is right for your child.
Let us know what you think. Weigh in with your thoughts or questions below!
Learn to nurture your children!